The body has nine ways of protecting itself from a threat or from stress.
A few weeks ago, my friend Sophie told me about fawning, a trauma response that clinical psychology has been describing for two decades: pleasing whoever we perceive as a threat in order to protect ourselves, in response to trauma or to a stressful situation. Shortly afterwards, in a meeting, an executive reminded me how common people-pleasing is at work. That sparked the idea and I started researching. At the office we see these ways of protecting ourselves every day, although we rarely recognise them.
Nine ways of protecting ourselves
Faced with danger, the body decides before the mind does. Research describes a cascade: alertness, freezing, flight, fight, immobility, collapse and fainting. The first ones are active and the later ones passive. Which one appears depends on how far we believe we can defend ourselves.
Two social responses are added to these seven: seeking allies and pleasing. The first has scientific support. The second is a widely shared clinical observation.
#ResponseWhat happens in the bodyScientific basis
1Alertness or orientingThe body stops, sharpens sight and hearing, and the sympathetic nervous system activates: muscles tense and breathing and pulse speed upSolid
2FreezingAttentive stillness, tense muscles, the body ready to actSolid
3FlightAdrenaline and noradrenaline within seconds, cortisol within minutes; pulse, breathing and glucose riseSolid
4FightThe same activation, directed at confronting the threatSolid
5Tonic immobilityInvoluntary paralysis: the person stays conscious while the body stops respondingSolid
6CollapseMuscle tone and blood pressure drop; numbness and dissociation appearSolid
7FaintingLoss of consciousness through a vasovagal reflexSolid
8Tend and befriendProtecting one's own and seeking support; oxytocin as a possible mediatorModerate
9Pleasing or appeasingPlacating the threat by giving up one's own needs and boundariesClinical observation
The office version
At work the danger is rarely physical, yet the brain reacts the same way to public criticism, a reorganisation, an unpredictable boss or anything our body reads as a possible threat or that simply causes us stress.
ResponseWhat it looks like at workWhat you hear
1. AlertnessGoes on guard: rereads the email several times, watches faces in the meeting, looks for what lies behind"Something's going on, why have they left me off the copy?" · "Management has called the whole team in at nine, this looks bad."
2. FreezingGoes blank, stops giving opinions and postpones decisions"I'd rather wait and see what happens before making a move." · "I need a couple of weeks to study it all before I give an opinion."
3. FlightAvoids the meeting or the person, delegates the issue, changes the subject, looks for another job"Something's come up, I have to leave before the meeting." · "Better for Marta to handle it, she knows the subject better."
4. FightResponds defensively, raises their voice, counterattacks, writes emails copying half the company"This is unacceptable, and for the record I warned about it in writing." · "I'm escalating this to the CEO."
5. Freeze-upWants to react but gets tongue-tied in front of the committee"Er... yes, well... we'll look into it." (and later, in the corridor: "I should have said it.")
6. CollapseDisconnects: does the bare minimum, loses initiative, goes emotionally flat"I've stopped proposing anything, what's the point?"
7. FaintingThe extreme version: sick leave, burnout, sudden resignation"I'm going home today, I feel awful."
8. Making alliancesSeeks support, takes sides, lobbies in the corridors, builds informal coalitions"Shall we grab a coffee and I'll fill you in?" · "We need to talk this through among ourselves before the meeting."
9. PleasingSays yes to everything, wants to please everyone, flatters the boss, gives up setting boundaries"No problem, I'll take it." · "You'll have it first thing tomorrow." (said at eight in the evening)
Why each person reacts differently
Three layers explain much of the difference:
- Personality. Each person has their own temperament, fairly stable throughout life. Some perceive danger sooner and get anxious easily, some immediately look for others to talk it through, and some prefer to sort it out on their own. These traits incline some towards withdrawal and others towards action.
- Personal history. Our attachment style and what we learned as children to feel safe.
- The system. Our family of origin, the systems we have lived in and, above all, our current company: each culture rewards some responses and punishes others.
People-pleasing, the hardest to spot
Of them all, people-pleasing is the most treacherous for a company, because it is mistaken for commitment. The person who says yes to everything looks like the ideal employee, and sometimes is, but at other times they are simply running on the autopilot of pleasing, out of stress or tension.
What a leader can do
If you see...Try to...
Constant alertness and rumoursAnticipate the context: explain what a meeting is for before calling it
FreezingGive time: send the information in advance and accept a written answer the next day
FlightOpen a one-to-one conversation and ask what worries them about the issue
FightSeparate tone from content: acknowledge what is reasonable and postpone the discussion to a moment with a smaller audience
Freeze-upAsk afterwards, in private: "What did you leave unsaid?"
CollapseReview workload, recognition and the meaning of the work; if it persists, offer professional support
FaintingTake care of the return: a gradual comeback and a conversation about what caused it
Alliances and factionsTake the conversation to the two people involved, without intermediaries
People-pleasingBe wary of the quick yes: ask "what would you do differently?" and thank every disagreement in public
Next time someone on your team says yes too quickly, ask yourself what they are protecting.
At DO'IN TALENT we support companies that want to build teams where saying what you think is safe.
Judith Ruiz de Esquide Fernández is the founder of DO'IN TALENT, a people leadership firm based in Madrid. She brings 26 years in people leadership and general management: 16 years of HR at L'Oréal and Air France/KLM, 10 years as General Manager of technology startups and scaleups, 6 years teaching digital transformation at IE Business School and 10 years as an executive coach and leadership speaker. Law and Psychology graduate, PADE from IESE and board education from ESADE. Full professional profile.
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